Alex Noble

Great Blue and Me

His name, in Latin, is Ardea herodias. He is shy and mysterious.

I never know when he is going to show up, or how long he will stay. Months can go by, and I will not see him at all. Then, one day I will look down into the creek, and he will be there, patiently waiting for just the right frog or fish.

He is also partial, when luck permits, to snakes, turtles, and rodents. He is extremely fond of bright red koi, but rarely has access to them. My neighbor had to put a screen over his koi pond to prevent midnight raids on his pricey fish.

I call him by his proper name: Great Blue.

Great Blue is a solitary feeder. He usually dines standing in water at dawn or sunset, preferring to hang out at water’s edge, but capable of wading farther out than other herons because of his long legs.

His habitats are many: fresh and saltwater marshes, flooded meadows, shorelines, mangrove swamps, and creeks like mine. On those rare occasions when he chooses to speak, it is a harsh croak, and then he will lapse back into a regal silence, as though he wishes he had a voice more congruent with his physical beauty.

Great Blue seems to know he is free to come and go in my life, and that he is welcome down there in my creek. We give each other space. I think he knows I will not intrude on his sanctuary. I believe he feels safe here. I do not try to capture him, contain him, interfere with his enjoyment of my meadow and stream, or tell him where to dine.

Others might try to claim him and clip his wings, consigning him to a miserable life leashed to a barbeque in a backyard, an “exotic pet.” But Great Blue is wondrous in his freedom, his beauty, his graceful demeanor and exquisite style. To make a prisoner and pet of him would be demeaning, and would consign him to a life of servitude to other people’s vanity and need to be “close to nature.” For those who seek to learn from such wild creatures as Great Blue Herons, he is a teacher of Taoist love, the open handed love that continuously lets go, lets go, lets go.

He knows a great deal more than I do about what works for him, and I respect that. We exchange long appreciative looks. I make sure I do not cross any invisible boundary, marked in the space between us by a primal instinct on his part as to what is safe and what is no longer safe. When I am watching him, I sit very still.

Once, a few years ago, Great Blue spent a week standing motionless on the roof of a tall shed. I never saw him going back and forth to the creek, though at night he must have taken time outs for snacks. He was magnificent, like a heron in a rare, Japanese painting. Every so often, he would spread his wings, as though to fly away, but something about the rooftop vantage point appealed to him. Maybe he could see where the mice were, who knows.

He seemed to enjoy looking down into the house, watching me come and go. I felt that I was being honored with a visit from a sky god. I was careful not to do anything that might disturb or frighten him. I made sure that he felt welcome, but also safe. I gave him space.

I think he was enjoying himself, up there. Maybe he was indicating his trust. I wanted to take a picture of him, but somehow, that seemed like a violation of the bond between us. For that week, he owned the shed.

He was here for awhile last month, and now he is gone again, off to some other stream, or lake or marsh. I like the way he comes and goes. There is surprise in it. There is a kind of indefinable inter-species camaraderie. There is also a certain intimacy and affection: he seems to know that he is always welcome, and that he will not be scolded for being about his mysterious, necessary Great Blue Heron life. He knows that it is all so OK, or at least I like to think he knows. Love may mean never having to say you are sorry, but I believe it also means never having to apologize for who you are and what you have to do.

It is perhaps a fantasy to think that there is any real understanding or communication between us, and yet, the fact that he comes back here again and again, seems to like hanging out here, and never seems to mind my observation of him is perhaps a vote of confidence. Who knows?

I am, in these reflections, reminded of the words from Poet David Ignatow:

I should be content
to look at a mountain
for what it is
and not as a comment
on my life.

I never know if I will see him again, and experience his calm, wild, extraordinary and deeply healing presence in my life. Great Blue is, after all, a wild heron, meant to explore many horizons, many ocean shores, many woodland streams. I should not think too much about this, or miss him, or even hope that he may one day be back for a hello.
But there is a quiet joy in hoping I will see him again. And again.

Isn’t this, after all, what the best friendships, and unconditional love, are all about?

Macaws

Love is...

Love is...

Love is what you find
when you stop looking for love
and follow your bliss.

Love is what you gain
when you let go of the past
and embrace your life.

Love is what you feel
in the quiet morning hours
when you are alone.

Love is who you are,
when you forget who you are
and lose your small self.

Love is when a poem
reaches out and touches you
beyond words, like this.

Love is the mirror
in which you see who you are
beautiful and complete.

Love is like these leaves
like a heart learning to trust
swimming into light.

Love, not what you think,
or ever thought it would be:
perfect emptiness.

Two Feathers

Two Feathers

…plant something foreign in me, a deep quiet,
a mad freedom: my heart laughed when the bird
raised his soft wings.

Thorkild Bjornvig

Two feathers drift onto my desk.
Pale morning sunlight
heralds another hot June day.

Native Americans regard
fallen feathers as favorable signs.
I think of them as angels.

My heartbeat quickens. There,
against the rising sun
a lone eagle is flying.

The eagle knows I am here,
and sends his salutation.
One lone warrior greets the other.

He is on a journey into light.
But he keeps watch and circles.
He knows I know he is there.

I hold his gifts in my hands.
They are both blessing and prayer.
Now, there are two eagles flying.

Writing as Celebration

Writing as Celebration

There was a time when I reached out to the process of writing the way someone drowning in an Arctic sea would lunge for a life-line thrown from a rescue ship. Writing was a way of affirming my life, a way of assuring myself that somewhere deep inside I was alive and well, and that if I could just keep in touch with my inner life long enough, I could survive the wilderness, the storms, and the trials. Now, writing has become something new: it is not so much my salvation, as an ongoing celebration – of me, of you, of life itself.

Being Alone

Being alone is not such a bad thing as most people believe, especially when you can use your solitude to nurture strength and wisdom. Even when I have felt most alone, I have intuitively understood that profoundly useful things were happening to me. I have always known that someday, in some way, my suffering would make a difference, and that from the shadows of anguish and despair, great joy and wholeness would emerge, however long this might take. “And the heavens shall open, and pour you forth a blessing, such as you shall not be prepared to receive it.”

Patterns

I am aware of certain patterns in my life, and I am aware that when one pattern has served its purpose, a new form, a new structure for my energies appears. My patterns are not an end in themselves, but rather convenient structures for focusing purpose, emotion, time, space, and desire. My patterns provide convenient, albeit ephemeral, points of reference and relationship in the fast-flowing stream of events and circumstances swirling around me. My patterns are not my life. They can never contain me for long, because I am always reaching and growing beyond them. My patterns are simply a living architecture for containing and comprehending the essential process of change itself, which is what I believe life, at its best, is all about.

Stress Avoidance & Removal Kit 101

Stress Avoidance and Removal Kit – 101

1. “You got to know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em, Know when to walk away and know when to run.” When in doubt, out!

2. Do not volunteer for anything for a minimum of one year from today. Repeat ten times until cured.

3. Take a sabbatical from all volunteer activities for a minimum of 6 months. This is your life and you get to live it your way. Do something original for awhile.

4. Say goodbye to the Stress Vampires: Guilt, Compulsion. Co-Dependent Behavior, and the worst of all, The Need to Be Nice All the Time to Everyone. You can do it!

5. Always, always have an exit strategy and know when to use it. Freedom!

6. Don’t allow yourself to feel responsible and guilty for someone else’s screw ups, and do not feel a need to fix them, or ‘make everything OK.’ You have plenty to do to fix your own screw ups. Got that?

7. Stop acting as though you have to rescue people. You don’t. They are where they are for a reason. Your own life needs you now.

8. There are closet psychopaths who will try to control you by always making you feel “less than,” or “never good enough,” no matter how good you are or how hard you try. Hit the DELETE key and get rid of these monsters. They are bad for your health.

9. Do not lend money to people. Decide how much you are willing to give as a gift and be done with it. Repeat regularly: “I am not a bank or a credit union.” “I am not a bank or a credit union.”

10. Never, ever, ever guarantee or sign your name on someone else’s debt. Learn to live debt and potential liability free. Try it! It’s fun!

Growing Authentic Friendships

Seeds of potential friendships lie all around us. Every day there are connections, coincidences, meetings, encounters and assorted opportunities to receive or extend friendship. It is flattering to be sought out, and it is compassionate to extend one’s friendship to others, even if it is a simple offer of support. One of my best friends has a practice of always asking: “How may I support you?” For her, this is part of who she is, but more often than not, people are surprised at the sheer openness and generosity of her question. It took me quite off guard when she first spoke these words to me. I didn’t even know how to reply. I could not remember when someone had made such a simple, loving gesture. I am not used to either asking for or receiving help, being a stubbornly go-it-alone kind of maverick. It would be fair to say that her question was an epiphany for me in terms of understanding a correct way to be in the world, and a correct way to be with those we call our friends, and also with strangers who arrive on the doorstep. It is not only a revealing question, but it can serve as a test as well: How does the recipient respond? How do they define their needs in terms of actual support from another? This dear friend is always willing to open the way to a closer connection with others, and the example of her consummate love has not been lost on me. In allowing ourselves to ask such a question, we are also willing to trust that we will know exactly how to deal with the answers we get. And thus many life-changing and nourishing relationships may find fertile soil in which to grow.

Amidst so much potential, with so many choices, how shall I proceed in those instances where I feel a call, a tug, a desire to grow this friendship and see what can be shared and learned? This is a matter of the heart, and there is no map. Even if I tried to map it, Korzybski would be whispering in my ear:”The map is not the territory.” It is at this point that the discipline of gardening gives me a useful way to think about growing a new friendship, especially when I want to move deeper into the promise I may instinctively feel is there.

First, of course, the soil in which I place this precious seed must be healthy and full of nutrients to sustain growth. For me, this means solid core values, honesty, unselfed purpose, and high idealism balanced with a strong sense of current reality and a willingness to see things are they are, not as I might wish them to be.

Second, there must be a mutual recognition of what is needed to grow this seed. The word here is “appropriate.” What mutual soul-care is required, what gentle rules must we set, what healthy boundaries must we define? The American Poet Robert Frost tells us that “Good fences make good neighbors.” My corollary to this is: “Good boundaries make great friendships.” Boundary setting in friendship, as in any other area of life, is wise and will create a special sacred space for future dialogue and exploration. When healthy boundaries exist, I feel safe to be speak the unspoken, be my authentic self,and allow my friend to express his unique selfhood as well: This can be the beginning of a reciprocal practice of unconditional love.

In the very early stages of growth, some plants need shade, others need protection from pests or over-irrigation. And so with our friendships. I need to pay meticulous attention to what my friend is telling me about his needs for growth, safety and comfort, and I ask that he honor my needs as well, however we define what is healthy for each of us. One simple rule which has profound power to orchestrate a personal or mutual development process is this: If it feels good, move toward it. If it does not feel good, stop and wait for clarity before proceeding to your next action.

Third, to grow a friendship, just as I would take care of a fragile new plant, I must give my friend room to breathe, space to send out roots and branches of trust, access to the clean water of kindness, and plenty of abundant spiritual light. I ask the same from my friend for myself. As the Supremes sang it in their signature Motown hit, “You Can’t Hurry Love.”

(I remember mama said…)

You can’t hurry love
No, you just have to wait
She said love don’t come easy
It’s a game of give and take

You can’t hurry love
No, you just have to wait
She said trust, give it time
No matter how long it takes

(Lyrics by Diana Ross)

The Greeks teach us the difference between Kairos time and Chronos time. Friendship and love grow best in open, flowing Kairos time, time that trusts, time that is organic to a healthy growth process. This is where we need to trust that if a friendship is meant to be, it will be. We cannot push the river of love, but we can float on it and turn our young friendship over to the grace of the Great Spirit We can take care of basic structures and good friendship gardening practices, but then we must “Trust, give it time, no matter how long it takes.” There is ample guidance for growing true friendship in the I Ching, the Tao Te Ching, The Book of Runes, the Bible and other sacred scriptures. The Book of Runes cautions us not to “collapse” ourselves into a promising new friendship. The Mystic Poet Kahlil Gibran writes eloquently of the need for plenty of space between friends, so that there is room for the liberating winds of the Divine. Rilke writes of “Two solitudes protecting each other.” Good counsel. Authentic friendship thrives in silence, distance, emptiness, and the spaces in between, as much as it blossoms in shared interests and quality time together, paradoxical as that may seem.

Finally, as the seed of friendship sinks strong roots into the earth, and grows heavenward in its destined form and function, I must have the courage and fearlessness to let it go. I need to trustingly, joyfully, let it be what it will be: A new and shining thing in my life, that shadow of a great rock in a weary land, that sparkling water tumbling from an Alpine spring, an oasis for my soul, a blessing of pure love. It is in this freedom, this unobstructed joy, that we can, as true friends, enter into the Mysteries of Paradise Found - this crowning achievement of true friendship. Anyone who decides to grow these seeds in his or her life would do well to revisit Emerson’s essay on Friendship: No one has pulled it all together better.

And so we move in and out of the world, listening for the call that invites us to pick up a tiny seed and plant it, water it, care for it, love it, appreciate it into that majestic thing it may become: A true and lasting friendship, in which our hearts find healing, happiness and home.

“The most I can do for my friend is simply to be his friend. I have no wealth to bestow on him. If he knows that I am happy in loving him, he will want no other reward. Is not friendship divine in this?”

- Henry David Thoreau

Soul Repair Kit 101

Soul Repair Kit 101

1. Identify situations, people and associations in your life that make you lose your equilibrium, and put them at a safe distance, behind a firewall, where they cannot disorient and disrupt you. Resign from burdensome or crazy-making commitments.

2. Dismiss psychic troublemakers altogether by telling them that while you will always hold them in your highest prayers, you can no longer continue the relationship and to please leave you alone now.

3. Spend as much time as you can by the sea, and when possible, meditate at the bottom of large waterfalls. The negative ions will be better than years of therapy.

4. Create a safe sanctuary where you can be alone and stay as long as you need to, doing nothing. Refuse to make apologies for your need for some peace in your life.

5. If there are people in your online life who send you messages that annoy or disturb you, depending on your mail program, set a “rule” that will send messages from these folks off into what Tennessee Williams called an “oubliette,” a folder where they will be forgotten until you wish to deal with them. At some point, you can do a “block sender” and get rid of them altogether. Thus does technology support privacy and sanity if we know how to use it.

6. Visit the nearest zoo, natural history museum, art museum, and botanical gardens. Don’t ask why. Just do it.

7. Plan a trip to somewhere that nourishes your soul, even if you cannot get away for awhile. Still, plan the trip in great detail and put the itinerary in your Dream Box.

8. Learn how to tell friends and associates that you need a “time out.” This will result in being able to take control of unpleasant situations, on your terms. Let people know that you will be back at some point, but cannot specify when. Ask them for their loving support.

9. Make a list of your ten most favorite things to renew and refresh your mind-body-spirit, and do them.

10. Learn to spend at least half of your day without using the telephone or computer. Develop a low-tech lifestyle that does not depend on electronic addictions. Use the time you free up for service to others, to the world, and for development of your own spiritual practice, health, creativity and life-skills.

Alex Noble

Unconditional Love

5-18-07

You ask about unconditional love, as we sit in Plato’s cave, watching the dance of shadows on the wall, and wondering about this idea of unconditional love, mulling it over, intellectualizing it, twisting and turning it in our minds. We have come in from a long day of fishing in the small bay, our nets empty, and we ask ourselves over and over, what is unconditional love? Why are our nets empty? Day after day, we throw our nets of selfhood out into the world, and catch nothing. No one, it seems, will love us unconditionally. Why is this? Surely there is a secret to it, the same way there is a secret to knowing where the schools of fish are, the same way there is a secret of secrets to knowing how to find and live this thing called unconditional love. Yesterday I took a long ride through the backcountry, north of the city. There were old ranches, weathered barns, groves of bright gold lemons and deep green trees full of shiny jade avocados. There were stands of eucalyptus trees stirring in the wind, small ponds, cows and horses grazing in green spring pastures. I thought about how I love you unconditionally, and how full the net of our friendship is, when I draw it up out of the deep turquoise sea. Perhaps the hawks know this secret, but they float high overhead on silent wings. I think the hawks have known for a thousand years, and if we listen, they will tell us. The hawks fly free. Back in Plato’s Cave again, writing these words, I realize that unconditionality in love has to do with practice more than possession, with peace more than prohibitions, with letting go rather than fearful holding on. Would there be war, or famine, or poverty if the world lived within a matrix of unconditional love? What is it that happens when we know we are loved without strings, obligations, requirements, boundaries or demands? “To open the blind eyes, to bring out the prisoners from the prison, and them that sit in darkness out of the prison house.” Surely, this is when the nets of our souls fill up with an abundance of joy, confidence, enthusiasm, strength. Surely, this is when we know we can live our dreams and attain our highest potentials. We love unconditionally because we can, because it is the right thing to do, and because this is the most direct way to experience and share the great love of God. We love in this ultimate way because it is a path of joy, and because we are the ultimate beneficiaries. Where, then, do we start in this practice? We start where we are, here and now, around the fire in this shadowy cave, honoring the freedom and identity and unique selfhood of those we love. We let them go. We have no expectations. We put no limits on our love. We do not say, as most of the world does: “I will love you only if…” We say instead: “ I let you and those I love fly free, and watch you soar, and ask for your blessing for my own flight.” And in this new found freedom to fly, we are at last able to leave this shadowy cave of the past, step by trusting step. We are able to leave behind our doubts, fears, limitations and ignorance. We realize that those whom we love most are the ones who most need our blessing of freedom. A favorite poet puts it well: “It’s that I care more for you, than for my feeling for you.” Such is unconditional love. Welcome to the sky.

Forever Loved

In these fast-moving times, when friends appear and disappear like koi rising to the surface of a pond and then sinking again, when connections are made and then dissolve with sometimes heartbreaking speed, how can we know where to trust, where to put down roots, where to safely tell our stories and speak our secrets? I believe it has to do with a seventh sense, a hidden resonance, a field phenomenon. When there is a true connection, when there is an authentic meeting of hearts, something happens that transcends the limitations of words. There is a force at work which eludes description, but it is felt. It is realer than real. It functions in an almost hyper-reality. It blows in with hurricane force and you know your life will never be the same, and you have no choice but to ride the wind. You might call it “the reality beyond words.” A great architect once wrote that “Architecture is the spaces in between.” Perhaps our truest and most trusted friendships are the ones where we discover this sudden, transforming fullness, this luminous nothingness, this overwhelming calm. The very emptiness and wordlessness of these spaces fill us with ethereal joy. We enter into a sanctuary, a stillness, a celebration of the soul. And we know that in this friendship, we will feel forever free, forever loved and safe, forever at home.